Someone get me off this fucking roller-coaster!
So if I haven’t told you before, my Mom’s not good these days. Which worries me, for a couple of reasons. First and foremost, because I don’t want to lose my Mom. Who does, honestly, right? And secondly, because I have no clue where I’ll go or what I’ll do.
She just has no strength anymore…getting up out of bed requires help, and walking requires walker. Let me tell you, this isn’t my Mom. Neither is her damn near breaking into tears at the my selfish angry outburst today. My Mom’s tough as nails, in your face, take no shit, just tough. She always says I’m her rock, but really I just try to be like her.
Today was pretty much the final straw for me I think, in that there’s not much more I can take. See, over three weeks ago, I took her to the E.R. because she was so weak she staggered across the parking lot of our favorite restaurant. (if you’ve been reading you knew that). What you didn’t know, was she was in the hospital for a week, came home for two days, before I had to take her back up for the same problem.
This time when they discharged her, they discharged her to rehab at the local nursing home. Lemme tell ya, that damn near killed both she and I. You see, I have made vehement promises that she would not go into a nursing home on my watch. In retrospect, I know now that I was being naive about it, because now, she’s been home a day…not even a full day, and she’s back in because she fell last night and now she’s scared to get out of bed on her own.
Scared? My Mom isn’t scared of anything…the very thought it foreign to me. I guess we all have this indestructible image of our parents. I’m just trying to deal with life with this new Mom, the one that is dependent on everybody, and has to ask for help for things I take for granted.
It’s been a day…
Ewww…I am so frustrated I could just pound someone’s head off of…errr…I mean pound my head against the wall. But Gramma always said when things aren’t going right to give thanks for the things that were. So I’ll give thanks now…
Thanks to the imp or poltergeist that painted my car with invisible paint in my sleep so that today I could get cut off 4 times, and have two assholes refuse to yield to me.
Thanks to my sister who was supposed to put minutes on Mom’s phone and dropped the ball, leaving me to spend Mom’s Mother’s day gift card on a phone card so Mom would have a phone.
Thanks again to the same sister who wrote $35 on a card that was only worth $30, so I had to spend my last $5 on the excess of the things I bought today.
Last but not least, thanks to my psych instructor who has us read a chapter and a half of text a week, so I have to spend my weekend doing homework for the second weekend in a row.
Now, do I feel better? Not particularly.
Rain showers, Defective Coke, and a more serious note
I was sitting on the couch today, and it started raining…I mean pouring, buckets of the stuff. I sat back to enjoy the feel of the rain misting in the window, when an urge struck me. I jumped up and yelled at Travis.. “Come play in the rain with me.” He rolled his eyes like the teenager he’s becoming, and said. “I’m not getting wet.” Laughing I ran out the door, and opening my arms wide, let the rain pour down over me. Even my dogs were looking out the window at me as if I’d lost my mind. I can’t help it, it felt so good. Remember when you were a kid and you’d play in the rain? Guess what, it still has that now childish sense of freedom about it. I walked back inside, soaked but happy. Travis finally did go out when the rain slowed down, and damned if he wasn’t smiling when he came back in too.
Later, I sent him to the store for milk and ice. He came back with a pack of mentos and a can of Diet Coke. Some of you know where this is headed, I’m sure. So he sits the can in the driveway, opens it, and drops in two mentos. It fizzled and I braced for the inevitable mess, but nothing happened. He dropped in two more mentos and again, nothing. ( HELLOOOO Coke company, we have a defective can of Diet Coke here!!!!) For those of you living in the stone age..search mentos and Diet Coke on youtube
Anyway, as I stated before, there is a more serious note. You see, I needed that relaxing rain pounding down on me. Mom’s been in the hospital all week again, and this time, they are discharging her to a nursing home for rehab. I’m not doing well with this gang, the thought of Mom in a nursing home just doesn’t cut it for me. So if I don’t blog, or my blogs are more somber than usual, you know why.
Things that annoy me
Dontcha hate it when you walk in the bathroom, sit down to pee and there’s only an inch of toilet paper left on the roll?
Ever have someone call from a different room only to find out that they want a drink AFTER you walk through the kitchen?
What about being behind a slow driver for MILES, and then when you try to pass them…the fucker speeds up! GRRRR!
Lets not even go there with backseat (or front seat) drivers. Bitch, I’m not going to kill you, grab the Jesus Christ handle and hang on!
You get the point…so let me try this one out on you. My Mother has this bad habit of calling my son out of his room to do things for her. Bear in mind, our trailer is laid out my room, kitchen, living room, Travis’ room, bathroom, mom’s room. So she’s sitting in the living room, Travis is in his room, and she’ll ask him to get her the phone which is in the kitchen. OK get it she’s on in years, but come on…we’re talking a space of like 20 feet or less. Am I being a bitch, or would this annoy a saint?
On another note, I got a cactus for Mother’s day…do I transplant it, or what?
Which reminds me, Happy Mother’s Day!
Ya know what bothers me?
So yesterday and today, I’ve been fielding calls from all of Mom’s concerned family and friends. Thing is, if I hadn’t called them, they wouldn’t even know she’s in the hospital. Why? Because they Never call. Follow me for a minute, I swear I’m not just being neurotic. OK, maybe a little bit neurotic, but not much.
With that though in your head, I’m out for the night. Here’s hoping I don’t get overtaken by the doggie mafia.
Anyway, so I’m talking to members of my family that on any other occasion would walk right by us in a Wal-mart without so much as a HI! So what is the change…OHHH CLICK! the light goes on! They feel guilty for not calling or coming around normally. I’m not as dumb as some people think I look!assholish. The past two nights I’ve slept back in Mom’s room because frankly, she has a TV in her room and I don’t. The past two nights my dog has stood at the edge of the bed glaring at me for at least five minutes. I’ve become concerned that he is planning ways to get rid of me.
Let’s move on to the fact that my dog is a dick. Or at least mildly
So Monday was pay the bills day in our house. We get in the car, I pay some of the bills, (yada yada yada, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit) and somewhere in there we decided to get something to eat, . Anyway, my first clue that something was wrong was when Mom staggered accross the parking lot. My second clue came later in the day, after we got home. Mom sorta disapeared, so I went back to her bedroom to find her practially strangling her self with the line from her oxygen machine. “What’s wrong?” I asked, to which she replied “I feel weak, I thought I’d use my oxygen a little bit.” After I untangled the line, which I assure you was a task, somehow she had it around her neck, under her arm, and around the other arm, I convinced her to go to the hospital. Long story short, her BP was way low, she was dehydrated, and she has a severe kidney infection, and she’s still in the hospital, but getting better.
Me on the other hand, I’m a mess. Yesterday I attempted to clean the house and do the laundry. I say attempted because the phone seemed to be ringing constantly. One particular load of laundry I started to fold, the phone rang, I went back to finish folding it, the phone rang, again I went back to finish folding it, and there was a knock on my door. I open it and there stands the biggest fucking bitch I have ever met. Seriously, she was Mom’s sister in law for a while, I’ve known her since childhood, and told her I can’t stand her, but she insists on acting like we adore each other. So I’m faced with dilema, slam the door in her face, or invite her in because Mom likes her. Being that Mom is in the hospital, I invited her in, answered 20 thousand questions. (Did I mention she has to know the last time one of us used the bathroom? Nosey bitch!) She finally left, promising to visit Mom in the hospital. I walked back the hall to finish folding the clothes, and you guessed it, the damn phone rang again. TWO FUCKING HOURS after I started, the laundry was finally folded. I collapsed on the couch, only for Travis to walk in and ask what was wrong. OHHHH What a day!!
Fear
A friend of mine suggested that I blog about what I’m afraid of today. Not a bad idea, really, now that I think about it. I have many fears, from the insignificant fear of bees and spiders to more serious ones. I think he meant the big ones. Here goes…I’m terrified of being alone for the rest of my life. I’ve been alone for three long years without complaint, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s gotten harder to deal with. The last guy I was with toyed with me over a period of four years, coming to visit and then not calling or talking to me online. I would call him, and he wouldn’t answer his phone, if it even was his phone. I guess I still wear the scars, because I haven’t sought out men still to this day. I shy away from almost every guy friend I have, in real life, or online. I know I’m at a disadvantage because of my size, I don’t complain about it,but I can’t deny it, and it adds to my fear of never finding someone to be with.
Another one of my fears is going to sound a bit silly to some, but I live in fear of losing my identity. Not like stolen information, but rather a loss of myself. Being bipolar, my moods change frequently, and with them so does my personality, which affects the way I dress, how I style my hair, everything. Sometimes I find myself so far from the person I thought I was that I’m not sure who I am anymore. It’s a scary feeling, if you’ve never experienced it. I’ve had nightmares where I look completely different, and feel completely different, and no one recognizes who I am. Strange, I know, but it’s one of my more private fears.e it’s the worst thing that could possibly happen.
The thing I’m most scared of, though, is the fear of losing someone I love. Be it family, or some of my closer friends, I can’t help worrying sometimes. Me, I don’t handle worry well either. In fact I’m a mess. Take now for example, Mom’s doctor told her that she thinks Mom has internal bleeding somewhere. Not extensive, but enough to make her anemic. Which turns up my fear dial. I just don’t know what I would do if something would happen to someone close to me, especially Mom. I know it seems trite to have a fear of losing a family member, but to m
