Fear
A friend of mine suggested that I blog about what I’m afraid of today. Not a bad idea, really, now that I think about it. I have many fears, from the insignificant fear of bees and spiders to more serious ones. I think he meant the big ones. Here goes…I’m terrified of being alone for the rest of my life. I’ve been alone for three long years without complaint, but as I’ve gotten older, it’s gotten harder to deal with. The last guy I was with toyed with me over a period of four years, coming to visit and then not calling or talking to me online. I would call him, and he wouldn’t answer his phone, if it even was his phone. I guess I still wear the scars, because I haven’t sought out men still to this day. I shy away from almost every guy friend I have, in real life, or online. I know I’m at a disadvantage because of my size, I don’t complain about it,but I can’t deny it, and it adds to my fear of never finding someone to be with.
Another one of my fears is going to sound a bit silly to some, but I live in fear of losing my identity. Not like stolen information, but rather a loss of myself. Being bipolar, my moods change frequently, and with them so does my personality, which affects the way I dress, how I style my hair, everything. Sometimes I find myself so far from the person I thought I was that I’m not sure who I am anymore. It’s a scary feeling, if you’ve never experienced it. I’ve had nightmares where I look completely different, and feel completely different, and no one recognizes who I am. Strange, I know, but it’s one of my more private fears.e it’s the worst thing that could possibly happen.
The thing I’m most scared of, though, is the fear of losing someone I love. Be it family, or some of my closer friends, I can’t help worrying sometimes. Me, I don’t handle worry well either. In fact I’m a mess. Take now for example, Mom’s doctor told her that she thinks Mom has internal bleeding somewhere. Not extensive, but enough to make her anemic. Which turns up my fear dial. I just don’t know what I would do if something would happen to someone close to me, especially Mom. I know it seems trite to have a fear of losing a family member, but to m
